I write this here just in case you ever seek to know the answers. It is the 3rd of March, and I am stuck alone in hotel somewhere in upstate New York.
I love you. I will die for you if necessary. I know that level of devotion, likely, is probably not healthy--but I feel how I feel. I am an ugly monster, mundane and boring, I know this. Though I do not wish that things have progressed as they have, I understand. There is no special perspective, or unique view, that will change what I am or what has happened.
But I want you to know this, despite what my detractors would say.
I love you. I love you because I feel your highs and lows as if they were my own. Even when those highs are the exuberance of being loved by others, or if it is the low of being connected to me. I can not help this. Believe me, I wish I could, but the bond has already been formed.
You are younger than I, so, of course, this might make no sense. I hope that someday it will. I don't know what the events to come will lead to, but I want you to know some things...
You are physically beautiful, not in spite of your individual imperfections, but rather, because of them. How you have handled the challenges of this life only add to the natural gifts you have been given. It makes them transcend basic physical beauty.
You are brilliant. School is a game. Work is a game. Most of life is a game. But in the way that counts most--the intelligence to understand people and one's self, you are a genius. I know that given where you are in life, you might not think this, but trust me, you are ahead of 99% of the world.
You are good. You slander yourself too often. After all the attitude and image is swept away, at your core, you want others to feel ok, be happy, and know peace. Human or animal. That is the compassion and grace that each and every one of us craves. Please keep giving it to the world.
I could go on, but you get the idea.
One last thing. Please outgrow two things as you progress in this world: 1) judging yourself, and ironically, 2) excusing yourself. All of us are a mixture of grays, good and bad. Stop trying to value yourself based on outside norms or your own gratifications. You are worthy because you are worthy, despite what you've acquired or what you've done. We are, all of us, precious. I ask this not as a critique, but as an earnest request of one who wants to see your light shine undimmed by judgement of any kind.
I'm sorry I am not what you need or want now. That can't be helped, and it is really my fault. Please never feel bad about what has happened.
Go your own way, with all my blessing. And if you ever need me, I will always come for you. I will always love you. I will always remind you, if it's within my power, of your greatness.